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Warning [2] Undefined array key "lockoutexpiry" - Line: 573 - File: global.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined property: MyLanguage::$ratings_update_error - Line: 5 - File: showthread.php(772) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "showvideos" - Line: 773 - File: inc/functions_post.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "showimages" - Line: 811 - File: inc/functions_post.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key 1 - Line: 885 - File: inc/class_parser.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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/inc/class_parser.php 451 postParser->mycode_parse_quotes
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Biel
#1
Zmarła
na suficie zjawiła się biała plama
z każdym rokiem powiększa się
obrasta przestrzeń wokoło

Lata mijają, giną świadkowie
ich drewno kruszy się i gnije
obrasta pustka po nich, biały całun
napawa ludzi lekkim zdziwieniem

białej plamy w pokoju nie było
minęły lata, a izba zniknęła
została biel, nicość i pustka
pamięć, zapach, i uśmiech
starego lustra.
"Chude Dziecko"
Odpowiedz
#2
Hmm...
Pomysł całkiem fajny.
I chyba tym razem nawet rozumiem, co autorka miała na myśli Wink

Dwa drobne "zgrzyty" dla mnie:
berseis13 napisał(a):giną świadkowie
ich drewno kruszy się i gnije
Dlaczego drewno? Jakoś mi tu średnio pasuje :niepewny:
berseis13 napisał(a):obrasta pustka po nich, białą farbą
I ta "biała farba" jakaś taka materialna zbyt Wink
Ta nieokreślona "biel" mi się bardziej podobała :]

Pozdrawiam
Zeratul
[size=85][i]Znaczyło słowo - słowo, sprawa zaś gardłowa
Kończyła się na gardle - które ma się jedno;
Wtedy się wie jak życie w pełni posmakować,
A ci, w których krew krąży - przed śmiercią nie bledną.[/i][/size]
Odpowiedz
#3
Zeratul napisał(a):
berseis13 napisał(a):giną świadkowie
ich drewno kruszy się i gnije
Dlaczego drewno? Jakoś mi tu średnio pasuje
drewno=trumny Smile

co do białej farby, chciałam napisać 'biały całun', ale to wydawało mi się zbyt patetyczne Smile
"Chude Dziecko"
Odpowiedz
#4
berseis13 napisał(a):Lata mijają, giną świadkowie
ich drewno kruszy się i gnije
obrasta pustka po nich, biały całun
napawa ludzi lekkim zdziwieniem
hmm, chyba jednak trochę fajniej ten całun brzmi, tym bardziej, że w końcu napawa ludzi zdziwieniem. Smile
Odpowiedz
#5
dzięki. Piwka Smile
"Chude Dziecko"
Odpowiedz


Podobne wątki
Wątek: Autor Odpowiedzi: Wyświetleń: Ostatni post
  Czerń i biel michalf 6 2,953 04-22-2007, 12:45 PM
Ostatni post: michalf

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