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Ocena wątku:
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List
#1
Napisać chciałem do Ciebie list
Taki zwyczajny prosty
O tym w czym konsekwentnie tkwię
I o tym jak palę mosty

Napisać chciałem co kryje się
W mej pełnej marzeń głowie
I o tym co skończyło się
Po nieprzemyślanym słowie

Jak stołu blat rozkosznie drwi
Gdy przysiąść się pozwoli
I jak butelka w ręku drży
Gdy świt mnie z niej wyzwoli

O tym jak walczyć co dzień chcę
Bo ciągle jest żyć po co
I o tym jak poddaję się
Gdy strach przychodzi nocą

Za słowem słowo w liście tym
Sens gubiąc się zagnieżdża
Więc kartkę drę na nowej już
Jest tylko zwrot - Przyjeżdżam
"Nic tak nie obnaża słabych punktów poety jak wiersz klasyczny i właśnie dlatego tak powszechnie się od niego stroni."
(Josif Brodski)
Odpowiedz
#2
A kiedy wersja z muzyką? Smile Jakoś łatwiej oceniać mi Twoje teksty kiedy słyszę je w postaci utworu Smile
"In the city od blinding lights..."

--------------------------
http://www.triadapoetica.art.pl
http://www.gentlemanschoice.pl
http://www.krest.pl
Odpowiedz
#3
Z muzyką jest super Smile
Sam tekst jest bardzo "czyżykiewiczowski" - w piosence już tego pokrewieństwa tak się nie czuje, ale jest. Tak czy owak nie ma rady - :piwko:
[color=maroon][size=84][b]Krokiem adekwatnym do rozwoju zdarzeń
Idę przed siebie i marzę:)[/b][/color][/size]
Odpowiedz
#4
Bardzo ładne Smile
[b][size=85]Dziś gra się słońcem football-match ogromny!
Bóg strzela gole - po ludzku, wspaniale!
Dziś skok na ziemię z nieba karkołomny,
Cesarskie cięcie i salto mortale![/size][/b]
Odpowiedz
#5
spalding napisał(a):Napisać chciałem co kryje się
(...) I o tym co skończyło się
nie za bardzo ten rym podoba mi się i tyle od strony technicznej

za to bardzo podoba mi się... ostatnia strofa
...o wierzb warkoczach
o dziewczynie

poeta milczy...
Odpowiedz
#6
Mat napisał(a):nie za bardzo ten rym podoba mi się i tyle od strony technicznej
Ogólnie jakaś niekonsekwencja w rymach jest.
Miłość - księga stara. Kto nie czytał, polecam.
Odpowiedz
#7
konsekwencja jest Big Grin tylko trzeba chęci aby ją znaleźć Smile To co świadczy dla Ciebie o niekonsekwencji jest niestety wyjątkiem ...

czy od przybytku głowa boli ?? Big Grin
"Nic tak nie obnaża słabych punktów poety jak wiersz klasyczny i właśnie dlatego tak powszechnie się od niego stroni."
(Josif Brodski)
Odpowiedz
#8
A mnie się tam (...) podoba Wink
[b][size=80]"Ty przed Tobą świat,
za Tobą ja,
a za mna już nikt."[/size][/b]
Odpowiedz


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