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Warning [2] Undefined array key "lockoutexpiry" - Line: 573 - File: global.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined property: MyLanguage::$ratings_update_error - Line: 5 - File: showthread.php(772) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "canonlyreplyownthreads" - Line: 672 - File: inc/functions_post.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "showvideos" - Line: 773 - File: inc/functions_post.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "showvideos" - Line: 773 - File: inc/functions_post.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "showvideos" - Line: 773 - File: inc/functions_post.php PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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Warning [2] Undefined array key "profilefield" - Line: 6 - File: inc/functions_post.php(484) : eval()'d code PHP 8.1.8 (Linux)
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/inc/class_parser.php 451 postParser->mycode_parse_quotes
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/inc/functions_post.php 785 postParser->parse_message
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/inc/class_parser.php 451 postParser->mycode_parse_quotes
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/inc/functions_post.php 785 postParser->parse_message
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Wizyta przyjacielskiego cienia
#1
Wizyta przyjacielskiego cienia

Towarzystwo nieodłącznego cienia
Zmienia we mnie tryby myślenia

Potęguje wyrzuty sumienia
Jak gdyby to były skargi cienia

Przywodzi na myśl przyszłe cierpienia
Jak gdyby to były proroctwa cienia

Doprowadza do skrajnego oniemienia
Jak gdyby słów nie było cienia

Każdy ma swojego cienia
Wiec nie jest sam
Ale to parszywego humoru
I tak nie zmienia
...o wierzb warkoczach
o dziewczynie

poeta milczy...
Odpowiedz
#2
No interesujące, interesujące Smile Jedyne co mi nie podpada, to rytm. Zmienny, nie do końca wiem jak to czytać.
Tylko poczucie humoru nas może ocalić.

"Kaczmar nie wygrałby "Nadziei". Kaczmar nawet by się nie zakwalifikował ze względu na brak elementu autorskiego." - Zeratul
Odpowiedz
#3
Forma "każdy ma swojego cienia" zdecydowanie mi nie odpowiada. Nawet jako neologizm :wink:
Być wciąż spragnionym - to nektar istnienia.
Odpowiedz
#4
Moze jeszcze popracuj nad rytmem .Sens mi sie nawet podoba ogólnie ale jakos strasznie ciezko sie to czyta sprawia wrazenie bardzo niedbałego wiersza moze jakos go dopieść?Pozdrawiam
Odpowiedz
#5
lodbrok napisał(a):Forma "każdy ma swojego cienia" zdecydowanie mi nie odpowiada. Nawet jako neologizm
to był zabieg celowy... nad rytmem popracuje...

za słowa krytyki dziekuje

z pozdro
...o wierzb warkoczach
o dziewczynie

poeta milczy...
Odpowiedz
#6
Dlatego Mat napisałem, że jako neologizm, tez mi nie pasuje. Po prostu sprawia to wrażenie, że na siłę chcialeś znaleźć rym do "zmienia".
Być wciąż spragnionym - to nektar istnienia.
Odpowiedz
#7
Mat napisał(a):Zmienia w mnie tryby myślenia
Mam nadzieję, że to literówka, bo jeśli popełniłeś to celowo, to brzmi niezbyt ciekawie...
[i]"To, co wiesz chłopaczku, to drobiazg. To, co musisz jeszcze pojąć, to bezmiar."[/i]
Odpowiedz
#8
literówka...
...o wierzb warkoczach
o dziewczynie

poeta milczy...
Odpowiedz


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